The first time I saw you was at the park. You were standing near the tennis courts and I wanted to approach you. But, my friend had just warned me about you, and I didn’t want to bother her. After all, she’s your girlfriend; I’m not even supposed to know you exist.
I saw you again that afternoon, sitting on the bench across from mine. At least I knew who you were then, since we’d met before. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just luck, but I decided to talk to you. Unfortunately, my friend chose that moment to show up. She walked over and sat down between us. Without saying anything, she began to stare straight ahead. She looked pretty upset, but I couldn’t tell if it was with me or you. As soon as she left, you turned toward me and smiled. I did too, but only briefly. We said nothing after that.
A few days later, we bumped into each other once more. Again, I tried to speak to you, but you avoided eye contact. I felt bad for being rude, so I followed you around the playground until you came back to sit beside me. We talked a little, but I could feel how uncomfortable you were. Then, you got up to leave, and I gave you a sad smile. In the days following that day, I had trouble sleeping. All night long, I would replay what happened and wonder if things might have been different if you hadn’t been so shy. I thought about calling you, but I wasn’t sure if you would answer. By morning, though, it was clear that you wouldn’t.
That week went by slowly. I kept thinking about you, wondering what you were doing. I wondered if I should just forget you and go out with someone else. But deep inside, I knew that I liked you. I always hoped that you felt the same way. One day, I finally decided to call you. I waited patiently for you to pick up, knowing that you probably wouldn’t. When you answered, I started talking right away. I asked whether you were still seeing your ex-girlfriend. You told me no. I asked if you were interested in going out sometime.
I hoped you would agree. “I’ll let you know,” you replied.
I never heard from you again, but it didn’t matter. Every now and then, I’d think about calling you, but something always stopped me. Sometimes it was doubt. Other times it was fear. So many times, it was shame. Finally, though, I called you. I wanted to make sure you were OK. I didn’t expect you to answer, but I was desperate enough to try anyway. Before hanging up, you told me that you loved me.
I cried for weeks after hearing those words.
It seemed impossible that you could ever fall in love with me. I thought about everything that had happened, wondering if I was to blame. Was it true? Could you really love me?
I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I guess I fell asleep while listening to you tell me that you loved me over and over again. Later, I realized that I was kissing you. My hands ran through your hair, and I pressed myself closer to you. We kissed longer than either of us wanted to. Eventually, we stopped, but we both continued to hold each other. I broke away and stared into your eyes. Your mouth formed a small smile, but you looked away. I didn’t understand why, until I remembered what I had done earlier that day.
Suddenly, everything became clear. I knew exactly where I stood. I was completely and utterly rejected. I hated myself for not having been able to say those three simple words. I was ashamed of my actions, and I hated myself for making you cry so badly.
I’ve played these scenarios in my head countless times, hoping that I could somehow get back home. But the truth is that I am lost.
I’m afraid of where my life may lead me. I don’t know who I am anymore, except that I’m definitely not you.
I wish I could turn back time. If I could rewind to that fateful day in the park, I would change everything. I would stop the conversation. I would apologize. I would tell you how sorry I am. And most importantly, I would ask you to forgive me. I would hope that someday, you would find it in your heart to do the same.
I’ve spent two years trying to figure out how I ended up here. Maybe it’s time I let you go, too.
I miss you, Sadie. I really do. I keep dreaming about you. I feel guilty whenever I see you. I’m scared to death of losing you. I don’t know what to do. How will I ever get past this?
I know that’s not fair. I know that’s unfair, but I need some space. I need to pull myself together so that I can move forward. Don’t worry. I promise you’ll hear from me again.
44 thoughts on “American Couple Love Story 2022”
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