Sad love story , tragic romance, do I have the pictures to prove it? My best friend Jess and her husband James (or Snakebite as I nicknamed him) had been discussing getting some sort of gimmicky thing where I could join in and meet other new mums. I know you may be thinking it’s ridiculous for a mum with six kids to be worrying about the next trendy mum activity (and you’re right,

it is a bit of a overreaction) but for some reason I was desperate to do something fun that didn’t involve rushing after a crying baby or trying to eat my food or tidy up before the timer went off. So when I saw a flyer for this group doing picnics in the park I was really excited as I really needed a wee break. Here’s how it all went down. Jess, James and I arrived early and the park was empty which seemed a bit strange given the beautiful weather we were having. Photo: Supplied We took our picnic blanket, opened the drinks and got our hammocks up as James told me it was going to be a “doggy birthday party”.

I was confused at first but then I realised that the little brown puppy at the bottom of the hammock was a handbag. I asked who was having a birthday and suddenly Jess realised what she had said and got a bit embarrassed. I think it was supposed to be a joke, James later told me he just thought the dog was a puppy but it was too late. A small part of me was like “Shit! I’ve now ruined the joke and he’s going to talk about it the whole way home” but the larger part of me just couldn’t deal with another walk down memory lane. Anyway, the dog was a bit of a brute and immediately launched herself at me, trying to get my sandwich, she also barked, growled and whined at any person who came within spitting distance of her.

I quickly got out of the hammock to save myself from any ensuing discomfort and shoved my hands into my back pockets in case she lunged at me again. She did this three times and I was beginning to get a bit panicky about it. Then this little guy walked up to us and I thought it was a harmless dog, until he growled at the dog and we realised he was actually a feral dog who was used to humans but certainly wouldn’t like the dog next to him.

He didn’t seem to like me either as he kept chasing my feet and I couldn’t see any attraction at all in a little doggy birthday party. My anxiety began to rise and I asked Jess if she knew whether the puppy would be wearing pants (like the hippos in Tarzan) as I was wondering whether he’d go for a bit of a poo if he was exposed to a large amount of manure.

Jess reassured me that the puppy was wearing a diaper and that no one should worry about the fact that he’d defecated. The rest of the day I spent defending myself to people who called it ridiculous that I was worried about a baby’s poo. I realised I had thought that it was hilarious. I love babies, they’re hilarious but also poop-ridden, smelly and a whole lot of other things. It was actually refreshing to meet some mums who weren’t mental and who were much more focused on the activities in the park than whether the day they just had involved sitting around talking about breast feeding and poop. Photo: Supplied The only thing that didn’t go according to plan was when my toddler realised that he had left his dummy at home and then had the tantrum of all tantrums and demanded the dummy every five minutes.

This resulted in Jess and I thinking that maybe we could have been more organised by not bringing a dolly that makes noise when you push it. I will never forgive myself for that. In the end, we managed to get through the day unscathed with all of us having a ball. James even fell asleep on a hammock with the dog and his head was about 10cm from its little brown face when he fell asleep. So he is going to sleep well tonight and I won’t have a guilty conscience.